ch. 7

more than grief
i can bring these things before You..
things at the back of my heart..
that i even hide from myself
....i can be honest about them...with You..
and...ask for Your guidance..
and that You would walk with me through them..

thanks for being that kind of God.

i kinda wish she didn't mention it.
now all sorts of things are floating in my head.
no...no not this again...

dumb flutterbyes.

i have another month to do one of my applications.
omg.
YES.

im so dumb.

and as i watched him lay there...
his face thinning
his belly swollen and raging..
as i watched him look on..
almost empty in gaze..
almost pleading..

solomon's cry came to mind
"vanity of vanities.......all is vanity"
i feel the time is short..
i fear im losing hope..
i desire that he knows..
that he understands..

what good does his titles do him?
what good does his money?
oh God...
crying out in desperation..
i know Your way is good and perfect..
open his eyes...show him Your way..
let his fears and thirsting end..
and true life begin..

its a hard thing i ask..
impossible...i know..
but You do the impossible..
You do the impossible..
please...pleassse.

its one thing to hear it.
again and again,

another thing entirely
to believe it..
not because they said so..
but because its true.

mid-musings

is this Your way of asking for all of me?
..but are You truly enough?

i don't know that my heart is so willing..
i suppose this is where the thankfulness come in..
thankfulness for...rules..parameters..

i know You're good.
i've expereienced it.
over and over..

i don't think i believe it..
or am i worrying
over trivialities..
i mean...i like what i like..

maybe i do rely..
maybe that's the problem..

one once said of a break-up
that its when you can't see life past current state..
when you can't see living any other way
is when you're doomed.

i don't know that i can see past.
maybe this is what this time is for..
40 days..
i can live without.
but...don't want to ..
but what ...who...do i value more?
are You enough?

i wonder what longing hides behind this..
what desire...what hole..
what futile attempt to fill it..
please...reveal...show me the way..
promise You'll hold my hand
and won't drop me when it gets sticky..
and when i don't want to look
and when i don't want to turn away..
please.. don't let me go..
i can see how im torn..

i trust that You love me.
...and that You know best.
i'll cling to that.

you know what.
i don't like rules.
or being told that i can't or shouldn't do something.

something in me resists.
sigh.

maybe i think i know better..
or don't see the purpose..
because...i think i know better..

pride issue..
or...more?

agh.
its like some weird monster..
some parasite
raging inside of me..
like a web..tangled
and restless..
lots of frustration..

sigh.