i kinda feel like a stale piece of bread.
dried out.
not moldy..
still kinda tasty..
but only reminiscent..

im hearing things..
but not sure im listening..

want..
but...not want..

eh.

sicknasty.

dude.
everything hurts.
this sucks.

thinking about otr again..
brings a weird pang to my heart
...i welcome it..

my heart still beats for that dark place..
that dark place with so much...Light..
and for that im thankful..

sometimes i think i know what im in for..
what to expect..
and in a way...i do..
but..
i know He's bigger than my few, small experiences..
and He can do bigger things than i can imagine..

man..im so psyched.

You have to bring the growth oh God..
the heart change is in Your hands

it makes sense
no one can come to You unless You lead them..

it cannot be done by persuasion
or poking..
or prodding

so..what can i do..but rely upon You?

i am the little sister..
the momma
the cute sweetheart
the biffle
the bro
the "safe" one

im the one you'd probably never consider..

and in a strange way..
and probably an unhealthy way..
i find that comforting

i get to see the real you.
the not prepackaged you.
i've seen you drunk
angry..
i've seen you break a couple hearts..
cry..
say things you don't really mean..

and me? ...im the voice of reason
the one to set you straight..
and remind you that girls are real people..
who make mistakes..
and hurt..
...and fart too..

don't take this as bitterness..
its a far cry from it..
ive come to accept this position..
to embrace it...
...oddly..

i enjoy having brothers..
have had them all my life..
a guy's perspective...is cool to have access to..
a good guy friend is somewhat hard to come by..
im grateful to have quite a few..

but sometimes...
only here and there..
it kinda sucks being the one you'd probably never consider..

there are times when i think to myself..
"man...life would be easier if i weren't a christian..
..i wouldn't have to do all these ...things..
or...think so hard"..

but.
i can smell the legalism in this one..

relationship over religion...abi?
sigh..

i know that You are IT.
the end
and the beginning
and "..to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life,..."

oh heart..
change my heart..
remind me..

i have to remind myself that im on the winning side of this spiritual battle..
and the winning side is the actual winning side..
though the darkness seems overwhelming
and ever-growing...and inescapable..
though its tempting to sit and watch and wait..
the Kingdom is at hand.
the Kingdom is progressing
and the power of darkness cannot stop it.

little pockets of grace.