dear Jesus,
sometimes i wish that i didnt feel so much.

its really weird how all of a sudden i have this ridiculous urge to stop caring.
you know..like..
when you have so much to do..
but end up vegging and stressing out about how much you have to do?

yes that.
except...this is like with caring
about people and their feelings
about "doing well"..or doing my best.
about loving...people..things...etc..

i just kinda want to be selfish...or just run away.. and not feel cruddy about it.

don't hate me please.

oh God,
may Your love..
Your goodness..
Your greatness..
be so much bigger than my fears..
than the darkness
that seeks to overwhelm and consume me.

give me eyes oh God.
open my eyes to the bigness of Your salvation.

there is this weird urge
to let it end here.
mm good FG.
God is good.
now back to life.
ha.
no.
no.
fiiighhhtt.
disrupt again and again.
oya open your mouth.

this type calls for silence.
past the strums of the guitar..
and the sting of its strings..
just stillness and silence.

but burning in my mind.
"when i thought you were a thousand miles away
not for a moment did you forsake me..
not for a moment will you forsake me.."

....You promise?
ugh
sleep and forget.
sleep fill up the hollow ache.

i dare not trust the sweetest frame.
but wholly trust in Jesus' name.

in Christ alone, Cornerstone.

oh man. truth and truth again.
peace.

some cheese with that whine?

yes.
today blew.
sigh.
lost my retainer = icing on zee cake.
im so sad.

grumblegrumbleRAWR.

sigh.
goodnight.

the issue

this joy cannot be sustained..
by human effort and an ethereal aura..
i cannot lie to myself that i can handle it all.

it can't just be a "good vibes" kick.
He must be my sustenance.
i need Him.
more than the good feelings.

pushing past pride.
for more.
don't be satisfied so easily,
so simple, so small-minded
looong..
seek.
don't sit.
the hole may return bigger..and deeper..
so longgg...and seek.
 and be filled
again and again.

its like..
im away from my hiding place.
so i have to face it.
and trust....that He'll be my hiding place..
when i can't deal..

im frustrated.
i feel as though i always am..
but tonight..sigh.
i feel very stuck..
hm.
ritual cobb salad scene in julie&julia.

ahhh.
ohh be my hiding place.
help me run to...trust in..You.