PD said something to the flavor of.. when you're married,
your spouse is like your sibling.

wut.
hell no.

agh im so frustrated.
what in the world changed from like 5 days ago to now?
whhyy am i so irritable?

oh God, i need you.
more.
ah.
maybe that's it.
more.

its almost tragic,
these feelings..especially after a retreat.
oh man, do i neeed You.
i know what kind this calls for.

ruuunrunnnrunnnnrunnnrun.

in the background.

ball

of feelings.
of...hormones...
of confusion and frustration.
i dunno what's going on with me.
its like some of the old poop is resurfacing
and im so confused about what You're trying to say to me.
but.
something tells me i can come to you with this..
even this.

don't tell me how to follow Jesus,
just leave me alone.
drowning.
pride and disgust.
but.
tis the truth.
AH

just..leave me alone.
let me look for myself..
...because im not sure if i can believe you.
distrust?
not...exactly.

maybe, maybe.
there are still wounds.
festering..deep...but ignored.

its like i can see the tar erupting from my heart.
sticky...slippery..staining...
messy.
disgusting.
sigh..
this again?
time to spend time.

Run.

retreat.

confusion.
lots of it.
i just don't want to think..
haha..
sigh

for the sake of my sanity:
dub.reds.fo.reals.

control

you know..
yea.
don't have it.
exhausting to try to hold on to it.
but...don't have it.
what?

Freedom reigns.
release.

onward.

there it is.
staring at me from the top of my inbox.
rejection email..
mehmehmeh..
:/

buds.

so much has happened.
so much to process.

i intend to start from today..and go backwards.
...sorta.

but for today.
there seems to be something..fishy in the water..
on my end.
not foul..but..present none the less.
and its bothersome.
i don't want it..
...cuz in full bloom it wrecks.
so heart change is the prayer req.
i can't will myself out of ...."feelings"

dub.reds.