unrealistic expectations.

unfair expectations.
sigh.
stupid heart.
shut it.

guitar.

its a beautiful thing to be wrecked by the One
but a most terrible thing indeed..

He calls me..us to surrender..
let go of ourselves..
our very core of who we think we are..
what we think is best..
what we want the most..

man i don't think i really understand the concept..
yea sure, i'll give God my life..
...but only so i can get what i want..
..of course what i want is the glory of God..
as long as its on my terms and in the way that i want it...

oh man..like a wrecking ball to a glass house..
He came crashing..
and honestly it feels like my entire world has been made to dust..
i can't reconcile it
and in a way my heart is crushed..

now i just want to play..
until the strings cut my fingers
and make them burn and bleed
the way my heart is doing..
until its crooning matches the desperate groans of my soul..

i fear growing bitter, fearful
and odd enough complacent..
but..im excited...
..its weird..i feel like im dying..
like literally selling myself to something..
or rather Someone.. i can't control..
and don't understand..
but im excited...

im scared.
i really am
but..He wants it..?
He'll have it. all of it...all of me.

sometimes

i wonder if i'll ever be satisfied
if my heart's thirst for acceptance will ever be quenched.
head knowledge is not the same thing as heart recognition
and its starting to eat me.
my very core..
from the inside out.

will i ever be satisfied?
i know i keep doing this to myself
it affects everything..
especially ministry..
how am i to show these..
beautiful young women..
how to love Him..
to love others..
to love the woman He's created them to be..
if i fail so much at all 3?

i liken this feeling to an image i had earlier this week:
..there's this huge blue glass vase that's been smashed into pieces..
and i with bloody hands, arms, chest and face, am picked up these pieces..
i start to glue and set them back together..
it starts to take form as a vase and honestly doesn't look half bad..
it looks like i might be able to finish..
then something ridiculous happens
with my own two hands, i smash this vase into even smaller pieces
..and start this whole process over again..
the pieces are smaller, im losing more blood and im getting weaker..

it's useless..i can't fix it myself,
without making it even worse.

well goshdarnit..
i think it just hit me.
duh Tomi..
that's it.
sigh.

oh guard this fickle...weak heart of mine.

...every time i remember
...i want to slam my face against a wall..

haha
that sounds alot more serious here than it did in my head..

flight.

is it weird that this song makes me feel like a superhero?

well maybe not the whole song, but moreso the chorus...
in the moments when i feel the most immobile..
its awesome to remember that the movers and shakers of this world are nothing short of regular people who did something.

idk..there's hope in that.
hope in knowing that we're called to be more than onlookers
more than just watching the rest touch the stars and rock this world..
even moreso in Faith we're called to go out there and put His love in action..
and what do you know His love...changes the world.
there's gotta be a reason that im this age at this moment in history..
i'll never be younger. and my next moment's not promised.

"tonight, we are young. so let's set this world on fire, we can burn brighter than the sun."

i remember reading on someone's profile or in one of their pictures or during one of my tumblr stalking journeys a quote by Francis Chan, that i hold to be truth : "Do you know that nothing you do in this life will ever matter, unless its about loving God and loving the people He has made..."

haha i remember saying that instead of wanting to be a dreamer, i wanted to be an actioner.

sounds corny, but:
 it. is. time.

seems as though..

i have 3 choices in this situation:

get upset and angry that things aren't going my way. blaming all else for my misfortune.
be depressed that it keeps coming back to haunt me. blaming myself into a dark, dark hole.
or, pray, accept and let go, trust. accepting responsibility but moving forward in hope and with Faith.

sigh. Matt 6:27
oh life, what a dance...what a dance

crumbling start

sometimes i feel alone..
in a house full of people i feel alone
and trapped.

then sometimes..
i feel as though my support system is unshakable
i feel so secure and loved.

i realized that i have no idea what im doing
i don't know how to do life
at service, during worship..
i wished i could just crumble to the floor in His presence
and feel Him pick me back up again..
and show me how to change..
because ive come to a point
where i know...that i don't know

i feel so small.