feeling like throwing in the towel.
all of the towels.

lesson learned

assumptions,
no matter how definite
or obvious they might...seem

they can be destructive.

never again..never again.

fail.

fail fail fail
lots of faaaiiilll
im sorry Father..
i feel like i took what you gave me

...and stomped carelessly
all over it..
and im back at square one

broken, bloody, unlovable
mess...

AGH.
frustration.

gracious

oh Father..
im thankful..

You have shown me my ways.
my selfishness..

teach me.
oh Lover..
teach me how to love.

passion.

fleeting... fluttering..thoughts
they litter..

my head..
stupid ideas of romance
and passion and love
that fill my head and push out..
silence, make jest,  of the Truth..

sigh..but is it truly sin
to desire some sort of passion
no, not sexual..but..
some sort of strong all-consuming emotion
that runs one blind and careless in all other aspects
or must all be calculating..rigid...stiff

perhaps my desires are misplaced..
perhaps i dream and project what can never be..
what cannot be good
what cannot be healthy...
even more so what cannot be holy

i see blatantly
the lack of wisdom in my words..
in my desires..
i know You call for..
completion..wholly..holy..
solid.

perhaps there is another passion
that dives headlong into
ill logic...terrible reasoning
completely consuming..
utterly breathtaking..
raw..bleeding..unfettered beauty..
basic..basic...basic..
but so complex..
so intricate and involved
so..filling...every crevice
every crack..
no stone left un-turned
wholly encompassing....

well..hmm..
i guess You are the author of passion..
my definition of passion..
so far removed from the actual..
my desire..so misplaced..so limited..

but..so real to me..
so delightful in smell..
and sweet to sight..
i know deep down..
satisfaction is not the ending...
but more desire..more want..
more aching...
more hollowness..

i know..i know..

teach me freedom
oh Healer..
reveal to me the freedom..
in sweet and complete surrender..

oh Father
...even of this..

run

Hello, Mercy, I have been searching for You lately...

oh heart, if you would...be quiet..
actually..no
..your aches remind me that..this life..
this earth...will never satisfy..
that this earth..our world...is broken..
and no measure of mindless routine, chatter or entertainment
will ever fix it..
heal it...heal me..

Someone greater has to be in control.
im but a product of this broken world...
but in You, I'm redeemed..made new..
no more a product....but a new creation..

oh Lord...when will i believe this with my entire being..
i feel like running..but to where...to whom?
i know the answer to this one...
i've re-enacted it over and over in my head..
i need You...no...no
i need You..

so here i return...broken..
bleeding...bitter...shaken...dirty..
but hopeful..
You make all things new..right?
You make everything beautiful......right?
...i trust...You.
help me to trust You.

how foolish was i to have desired a "break"
in no way can the glimmers of this world fill the emptiness
the God-sized hole in my heart, my life...

nothing can substitute the love He gives..
can compare to knowing that He is mine and i am His...

the pleasures of this world are for but a moment..
a mere breath...so hollow and completely unlike and separate
from the fullness of His presence..

how foolish am i ...