family matters

they get really messy, really fast.
so i'd just rather avoid it.
and forget that they exist.

but they're there..
waiting for me when i return home.
fine. i accept.
but please, dont attempt to sneak it into convo.
and act as though its not that big a deal..and bring it up lightly.
leave me be.

on another note..im grateful...for the obligations and responsibilities that tie me here..
even when i want to run-away from it all..from all of them..

lights.

no thinking about it.
no fantisizing.
no talking about it.
no analyzing the possibilities.
no brining it up in conversation.

i have to admit that before today i wasnt particularly excited about the womanhood seminar, but in light of certain revelations, im excited and expectant. i need tools and guidance..
self discovery..through surrendering of self.

sometimes when i look back on my actions, my words, my reactions, i'm reminded of my immaturity and terrible..memories of my middle school years come to mind..never ever do i want to return to that place. this time, i pray, will bring healing and true "deeper life" change.

there's so much more i wish to write..
but i don't know how...
or how not to..so that my head and heart isnt clouded with...me.

i almost laughed..

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?"
Jeremiah 17:9

oh, ok God, i got the message ♥

havent blogged in a while...and i miss it..
however, i don't think that im quite ready to go back to tumblr...so many eyes.
eyes that i love no doubt...but eyes nonetheless..
3:33am. whyyy am i blogging when in less than 5 hours i must awake for leader's?
oi.

so many things have transpired since i've last posted..
silence...lots o silence happened...and dryness..but no thirst..
then a thirst for thirst and then desperation..fear set in..
more silence and distancing..turning away...forsaking..
but then..movement, a Word..healing and joy..
and now i return to dryness...but this time with a desperate thirst...
with a longing, but true to my sinfulness, no action.
le sigh.

an older sister and i have had interesting convos regarding the brothers in my life.
enough said.
self-imposed and sisterly encouraged double red lights.
admittingly i was scared to shut such a door...but through the weeks..
im realizing that the Tomi that i am now is no where near ready for a green light..
no where near.
regardless, that doesnt mean my heart understands that fact.
once again, enough said.

maybe...just perhaps...some alone time is in need.
some alone time without phone. internet. and...haha people..
to think. to write. to read. to pray.
i dont like being alone...

a new opportunity

to examine who i am and remember..
to silence my distracting emotions
and learn to trust..once again..

today started off kind of awesome. my faith was reaffirmed in powerful and touching ways. im thankful..
midday was swell with park picnic and cuppiecakes.
however, the evening brought..interesting occurences..
collision, plans disrupted, selfishness, disappointment..
and then the hang-over returns
darkness falls as the heaviness sets in..
inadequacy and selfishness rise..with a side of guilt.
i hoped escape would help to heal..
but the wound remains..
only One can heal..can restore..

i need You now.

sobered.

..sigh...
my heart keeps playing cruel, cruel games on me.
well, im sobered and the hang-over is killer..
more painful than i expected..
but sobered none the less..
its funny how i sort of suspected..
but when those butterflies in my tummy start flying..
my better judgment is given the corner to inhabit..
and ignored..
she festers a bit...
and returns now full bloom
"wow tomi, you're real stupid to have hoped..."
i know she doesn't mean it...i don't think..

lesson learned?
i doubt it..
im sure those butterflies will start up again..
and my heart will start playing games..
but..this time...my better judgment will have a voice..
and silence my heart beat...gently..
but for now..
getting rid of the hang-over..
or rather suppressing it..
might have to do..

onward.
a new opportunity..

i've been maaad distracted.

pray for me please.