where do i even start with this?
re-vive indeed.

going into this retreat, my thoughts, or rather expectations were that i'd get a break from work, from school, basically from my busy life and get a chance to realign with God's heart and purpose for my life..
worship was beautiful and powerful... as usual.
the sermons were convicting and full of power...as usual..
as usual..
as....usual?
i found through the course of the weekend that my heart was burdened, with guilt, with shame, with....fear..
why did i feel as though i had to force myself to worship this great God that i soo desperately wanted to believe in..
whoa..wait..did i just slip there?
"this great God that i soo desperately WANTED to believe in.."?
precisely...in my heart of hearts...i wasnt sure that i actually believed..
was i "believing" just because i was supposed to...
or because i know that i know that i know that i know...
that redemption, grace, love, actually exist...and that it's sufficient to cover my guilt, my shame, ....my fear?

i grew up in church, in a Christian home...
with the Bible basically pounded into the core of my being...
is that a bad thing...?
no...of course not..
but was i jaded towards this God i serve because of it..
eh..i cant go so far as to say that...but i would confess that i felt as though it played a part..

my heart was clouded with who i made God to be...or who i thought God to be..
with preconcieved notions regarding the way that he works..the way that He sees me..
it's like i was so overwhelmed...drowning almost, in my own ideas...my own experiences..
i had watered down my faith...the truth so much that i couldn't recognize it..
my heart was hard...and i wasnt sure where that left me.

with that hard and heavy heart i went through the retreat...legalistically
silently in my mind...praying that God softens my heart...opens me up...
so that i could effectively recieve from Him..

sunday morning, i woke up believing...its over...its all over
and wondering where that left me...
...i wasnt completely hopeless..
maybe...God had something in mind..
maybe...He had something in store..

...during worship.. i cried out to God...
asking, begging to know what was wrong with me..
asking, begging Him to soften my heart..
begging Him to speak to me...
...to not let me leave this retreat...unchanged.
something in me broke..and i sobbed and sobbed...
not really sure why i was crying or what made me start crying like that....

i know... that i know...that i know..
that God spoke to me...so gently...so clearly..
that my slate..was wiped clean..
no longer drowning...no longer overwhelmed...my heart was free.
free to be me..
.not a minister's kid...
not a kid bred in church..
not a leader in the church...
just Tomi.

re-vive indeed.

hey you!
come wifs me k?
lets go get coffee and sweet sugary things
& sit outside on the patio
& laugh REALLY loud until the people studying shoot us death glares..
& lets get a pizza
& eat it in the parking lot on the trunk of your car
& lets talk about everything
& nothing at all
& lets look at the stars...Look There! SEE! It's the Big Dipper..
& then lets go to the beach...no worries..my singing will keep you awake..teehee
now lets sing together out loud so the world can hear us..aww dont be shyy...i wont laugh!
IS THAT THE SUN?
hurry, love, HURRY! we can't miss the sunrise!
lets sit in the cool sand..come come..
lets share my blanket..
& sit in silence...in awe..
let time freeze..
& lets stay here forever ♥

peaceful

i havent the slightest idea of what He has planned for me in the future..
but i do know that what he has planned
is nothing short of amazing.

i've gotten pretty goshdarn good
at ripping my own heart out

but i'm learning..
i confess..incredibly slowly..
how to leave it in Someone's most capable hands

who knows how to take the bloody mess i've made
and  make something beautiful..

....did i mention slooooowwwwllllyyyyy

*sigh*
this is hard.

we make this thing so complicated..
but its supposed to be simple...so simple
you accept. you trust. you submit. you love.
easy peasy lemon squeezy...eh?
not so.

life gets in the way.
emotions get in the way.
responsibilities get in the way.
selfishness gets in the way.

why is this so hard?
"to be held soo tight, i've never felt soo free.."
i really want that to become my point of view.

release.

my whole life is Yours
i give it all
surrendered to Your Name
and forever i will pray..

have Your way..
have YOUR way.

sometimes i wish i were dead..
but suicide is not an option..
i want to be alive forever, with my Heavenly Father...
free from hurt, pain, past, guilt..
....free....
im a burden...and i know it
financially..emotionally
i figure...if im gone...
problem solved.
but...maybe the wish should be that im no longer a burden?
wishful thinking never really gets you anywhere does it..
im being selfish.
but there's a God in heaven...right?
and He's all powerful, sovereign....right?
and He loves...me?....right?
and He has a plan to give me hope and a future....
right?